Some Good Things and Some Bad Things

It’s taken me 22 years to realise that sometimes life is just the worst. For Arlo and I October, November, and December have been pretty awful to us. In those three months within our family there has been a number of hospitalisations, cancer diagnoses, and two people died. During this Arlo was (and still is) holding down a full-time job, I was (and still am) in the busiest ever part of my degree, and we were (and still am) trying to keep Splodge sales up to cover the cost of the website subscription.

2019 in general was actually pretty rough – I’ll summarise it into ‘lots of things went wrong, and lots of people died’ – and I happily said goodbye to 2019 drunk, at a house party, next to the love of my life, crying (I think it’s fair to say I struggle with regulating emotions.) Despite having probably the worst year of my life, and waking up on January 1st feeling like my head was in a tumble dryer, today I am reminding myself good things have happened and are happening.

Arlo has told everyone about their new name and most people have been very supportive which is absolutely fantastic! Also people are beginning to use their correct pronouns which has made me super happy, Arlo’s dad used their correct pronouns today and I almost cried (poor emotional regulation again.) Shortly we’ll begin the process to legally change Arlo’s name so that they can enter their next job with a name that feels right to them.

Part of the reason 2019 was the worst year of my life is I lost my grandma who I was very close to, and it still makes me cry to think about it. However she left me some inheritance money which now means we can afford top surgery and the time Arlo will need to take off to recover! They have a surgery date booked for the 9th of March, so Arlo is only two months away from top surgery and I genuinely cannot wait. I don’t know when or how it happened but I realised that I always picture Arlo with a flat chest and so seeing their breasts is now really weird, and they no longer look like they belong on their body.

We’ve also discussed the fact that there’s always the possibility that one day Arlo may want to take testosterone to be read as male, and I am finally okay with that – although it has taken almost a whole year to process. Turns out I’m more attarcted to men (and masculine presenting people) than I first thought and so one day my partner may become my boyfriend, or they may always stay my partner, who knows.

Both Arlo and I have been incredibly depressed throughout November and December – probably due to the sheer amount of people that have died in 2019 – but whilst we were playing scrabble last night I disclosed that I’m begining to feel a little lighter, and Arlo is too. 2019 felt as if they was always a weight on my chest preventing me from breathing properly but today feels better and I hope our 2020 carries on this way.