What is non-binary?

I am very fortunate to have always existed in liberal intersectional feminist circles, where there is always a general understanding that both sexuality and gender are a spectrum – partially this is due to the progressiveness of Tumblr when I was a teen. I have always known about the concept of non-binary identities and how they exist within our very binary society.

However I know that not everyone has the background knowledge of gender that I developed in my early teens, and so I’ll run through what it means to be non-binary and how I understand it from a cis person’s perspective.

This is a definition of non-binary Arlo and I developed:

A non-binary person is someone who identifies outside of the gender binary of ‘male vs female.’ They may identify with some elements of being male and female but don’t exclusively identify with either.

As a cis person I will never fully understand what it feels like to be non-binary; and so I use the sexuality analogy to understand non-binary identities and explain them to other cis people. It is generally accepted that sexuality is a spectrum; heterosexual sits at one end of the spectrum and homosexual sits at the other end, whilst bisexual sits in the middle of the spectrum. Here is a diagram I made for reference:

In the same way that bisexual exists between the identities of gay and straight, non-binary exists between the identities of male and female.

Moreover this comparison is very helpful in explaining other aspects of non-binary identities. For example there are bisexual people who pursue relationships with significantly more people of the same sex than the opposite sex, this might be because they identify as an 8 or 9 on the spectrum. Whereas there are non-binary people who present very masculine and not androgynously, this may be because they identify as a 1 or 2 on the spectrum.

Also as a society we view bisexual as a separate identity and not a stepping stone to being gay; and non-binary should be viewed as a separate identity and not a stepping stone to being a binary trans identity.

However some people do use bisexual as a transitioning tool to accepting their gay identities and that’s okay. I personally came out as bisexual before I accepted a lesbian identity, however I have plenty of friends who came out as bisexual and have continued with that identity. Just like some people identify as non-binary and then go on to identify as a binary trans person, whereas other people identify as non-binary and continue with that identity. However even though bisexual and non-binary labels are used by other people as transitioning tools that doesn’t make either of these identities any less valid in their own right.

As non-binary is an identity that sits under the trans umbrella (meaning there is a disconnect between your gender identity and assigned sex) non-binary people tend to experience dysphoria.

Dysphoria is complicated concept to understand as a cis person I cannot accurately explain it, but here is the best analogy Arlo and I have managed to find online:

“Imagine your friends invited you to a party. It’s going to be fun, and you are really excited about it. You get dressed and get to the party and start mingling. You notice though that somehow you are not having as much of a great time. You feel conscious and can’t seem to hit the social groove. “How strange!”, You think to yourself. It takes you a while to realize you came dressed in dirty clothes, and probably you stink. You are still the same fun person but this makes you very self-conscious, and you just can’t feel comfortable. You are far from your home so you cannot change your clothes and you stay the night with this feeling. It’s something you can’t shake off.”

Hana Mohan

I have tried to imagine what dysphoria feels like but I can’t quite do it. In an attempt to create a sense of dysphoria for myself I put on Arlo’s binder and their traditionally masculine clothes and stood in front of the mirror. It made me feel really uncomfortable. I didn’t recognise the person in the mirror as me and it felt like I was looking at someone else. I took the binder and clothes off pretty quickly and was very relieved to put my bra and women’s jeans back on.

I can’t image what it is like to live with that feeling 24 hours a day, on top of being misgendered and having the wrong pronouns used. But in terms of gender dysphoria I remember the nauseating feeling of looking at myself in the mirror with a flat chest, and I remind myself that for trans and non-binary people that is just the tip of the iceberg.