The Beginning

**Please note that in October 2019 my partner changed their name to Arlo, these posts originally contained their old name but I have gone through and changed it. If any of the sentances seem a bit clunky or the wording doesn’t quite make sense, that is why.**

It was over three years (June 2016) ago that Arlo and I first discussed the concept of them being non-binary. We had been seeing each other for only a couple of weeks and over a Skype call they very timidly said “I don’t feel like a girl but I don’t feel like a boy either.”

“Maybe you’re non-binary.” I remarked very casually. Arlo paused, thought about it for a moment, and then the conversation moved on. I wasn’t particularly phased by the idea of dating a non-binary person, although at the time I didn’t think our relationship would become long term. Though as our relationship progressed I forgot about it and continued life as if we were two cis-gendered women.

This pattern continued for almost three years; one of us would bring up the concept of Arlo being non-binary, we would discuss it casually and make a small amount of progress, and then it would be forgotten about (at least by me) until several months later when the same process would occur.

That was until just over a month ago when I realised things were building. After using Arlo’s MacBook to watch a YouTube video I noticed their video suggestions were mainly trans men, and when Googling something their recent searches consisted of ‘short haircuts.’ I realised that over the past couple of months Arlo had started to wear their binder as much as possible, had begun wearing mens jeans, and had talked about getting their hair cut shorter.

I remembered all the conversations Arlo and I had about being non-binary and what that meant for them. I realised that being non-binary for Arlo was not simply theoretical, it needed to be in practice too.

That evening as I was lying on the bed I mentioned all of this information and asked them what being non-binary meant for them (and us). We had a really long and in-depth discussion about it for the first time and Arlo came to the conclusion that they wanted short masculine hair, to shorten their birth name to a more androgynous sounding name, for other to begin using they/them pronouns, and above all top surgery.

And I cried. I bawled like a fucking baby until I fell asleep. Even over a month later I can’t completely explain why I was so upset. I think it was just the shock of Arlo wanting to physically transition, and primarily fear. On that night every fear I’d ever had about Arlo being non-binary came to a head.

What if their parents don’t accept them? What if they transition and then realise they’ve made a mistake? How are we going to find the money for top surgery? What if I don’t find Arlo attractive once they present more masculine? Am I still a lesbian? What if Arlo is actually a trans man and non-binary is just a stepping stone? What if others refuse to use they/them pronouns? How am I going to explain this to my parents? Will I still find a partner without breasts sexually attractive? What if this causes us to break up? What if they want hormones later on? I don’t find trans or cis men attractive so at what point of masculinity do I draw the line? What if our relationship can’t adapt to this? Why didn’t Arlo make it clear they wanted surgery sooner? Is that my fault? Have I been preventing this?

The week following that was really difficult for me. I was already under the stress of two University modules needed to be completed within the following week and I had a video wedding shoot that weekend, so Arlo’s revelation was an added stress. I barely slept, ate very little, and burst into tears at random times for no apparent reason. I told Arlo that I needed the following week to just be very normal while I finished the second year of Uni, and so we agreed to pretend like it had never happened just until I met the deadlines for my two final assignments.

So I continued as if nothing had happened, I continued using their original name, she/her pronouns, and did my best not to think about it (relatively unsuccessfully.)